How many vasectomies can one guy get? Well, let me tell you.
During this last round of chemo treatments, my wife made the decision for our family, and completely without my input, that it is now my turn to be responsible for our family planning.
I begged, pleaded, cried, bargained, cajoled, and bribed her to keep going, but she played the being-a-stage-4-cancer-patient card, so I knew what I had to do. I guess it’s only right; she has taken on this responsibility for 23 years of our 23-year marriage. So, I was going to get neutered. I hope I don’t have to wear the cone of shame.
If you’re thinking about getting a vasectomy with Kaiser, know that it takes a long time. From the first phone call to the first time I went in for the procedure, it took 6 months. So, start the process as soon as you think you want one.
I have much more empathy for my wife‘s gynecological doctor visits after getting on the procedure table for the first time. I stripped naked. They put a blanket over me with a hole that made visible only my nether regions. Then they went about their work preparing for the procedure. Nurses walked in and out of the room, med students walked by in the hall, I’m pretty sure an admin worker stopped by for the show. I felt extremely . . . exposed.
I couldn’t help but immediately think of all the appointments my wife had gone to – inserting an IUD twice, removing the IUD twice, Pap smears, ultrasounds, poking and prodding – all while her legs were up on the stirrups showing her world to the other end of the room. I made sure to be grateful in that moment that this was only my first time suffering this kind of naked vulnerability, while my wife has done it more times than I can count.
The doctor began to feel around, poking and kneading my testicles like he was making tortillas instead of handling my sensitive bits. After about 5 minutes, he said, “I’m not going to be able to do the procedure today. I can’t feel the vas def. It happens for a small percentage of people. We will have to do this in the surgery department.”
ALL THAT FOR NOTHING.
So, I scheduled surgery where I would be under general anesthesia. To be honest, I am really glad to have them do it this way. At least I am covered up until I am asleep.
Anesthesia is a weird thing. They put you to sleep, you lose time, then you wake up. When I woke up from that sleep, all I could hear was a deep moaning from someone in pain. It took me a couple of minutes to realize the moaning was coming from me. The nurse asked, “What’s your pain level?” I said, “Well, I can still talk, so 8, maybe 9.” She put something into my IV, and the sound of my moaning stopped.
I don’t really remember all my doctor said to me when he came to visit me in recovery, but I do remember something about “it taking a lot longer than expected,” and something about “delivering” my testicles to find the vas def. It makes sense now: That’s why it hurt so badly. I also remember he said that he sent away the portions he cut out of me to make sure pathology can identify that he got the right part. Surprise! The labs came back – he did not remove the correct anatomy.
One part that many people don’t talk about is that the doctor asks you to have 25 emissions over the course of the next 3 months to make sure the tubes are cleared. When I was told this, I immediately asked the doctor, “Do I look like a teenager? I’m not 14 doc. How is that supposed to happen?” Then after three months, I have to bring a “sample” into the lab, where they will look at it to see if the procedure worked. The testing of my sample after the surgery confirmed what the doctor already knew; the surgery failed.
So, I went in months later with a new doctor to try again. This was a specialist. When he told me he only does surgery with a microscope, I couldn’t help but quip, “It’s not that small doc.” He chuckled. I use humor to deflect some times.
I only had one question for the doctor in recovery the second time, “Were you successful?” I asked him about 5 times. Anesthesia does weird things to the brain. I could not process the “yes.” But he also said something about “delivering the testicles.”
Now I have 3 months of waiting before I can go in again so they can test my “sample.” There is a certain indignity to doing it once. I hope I don’t hand it to the same nurse a second time.
So, why did I go through all this? Because it was my turn. And I really, really don’t want to have any more kids. I just couldn’t imagine starting the parenting journey all over again. Given my larger family’s history, it’s not outside the realm of possible.
I hear a lot of men talk about how they would never go in for a vasectomy. You are cowards! I went in 3 times. If I can do it, so can you.